Where the hell did that angst come from?

[zuki_san]

So, after the pretty damn positive response from all corners of people-who-read-this-tiny-blog, I resolved to start actually posting regularly. I sort of wanted to do it the very day afterwards, but I like to provide content and all, and "Hey, looks like I'll try and post more after all!" isn't much in the way of content. If I wanted to do that, I could get a Twitter. Actually, I suspect twitter could work quite well for me but I don't like the concept for some reason.

Any-whoodle, what's up in the life of Zuki?


Not much, really. A dash of fretting about class and grades...I made the mistake of not taking one or two classes SERIOUSLY AT ALL early on in the semester because they looked easy, and it really hurt me because even if you mostly already knew the material from last year, you should still make sure it's fresh in your mind. But I'm not -too- worried about grades...even if it's because my standards have dropped noticeably over time. When I'm being honest with myself, I note that school and grades really haven't been my highest priority for a while now. (Not in a euphemistic way...still a priority, just not, to be honest, at the top.)

...I could keep musing about this for a while, but I don't think I actually wanted to angst about the future for this post, either. Just mull and fret a little bit about how Dad's totally convinced I've got to get into John Hopkins for nursing school after I graduate--no bones, that'd be hella nice, but the Baltimore area in general is just a really great, really killer, place to learn medecine. If I only make it to UMB for nursing school, I can live with that. Working as a nurse and having an RN will be a pretty stable set of employable criteria, and it's suprisingly flexible, too. The rough goal is something The main worry is y'know...Economy Is Shit+Student Loans will become necessary pretty soon+Something Else. Probably something about being worried about being booted out of the house for not looking productive enough.

Yeah, this angst is annoying me. What else did I want to talk about?


Hmm. Pagan stuff?

I find it interesting...I become involved in a subculture...and I promptly head straight for the fringes of belief. Well, that's an exaggeration, it'ts been a gradual movement over time from lurking about the fringes of the mainstream to slowly coming forward, talking to people and involving myself, and finally digging and swimming down to that level where all those Crazy Woo People hang out. In the Pagan Student Union here at UMBC, the joke is that I'm this 'historian' or 'scholar' of the group as my specialty, because while I don't practice a whole lot yet, I can tell you lots and lots about all the different options that are out there, where they come from, and what's good and not good about 'em. Sometimes it annoys me how 'mainstream' PSU is, but since I think of our primary function is to provide a gateway experience and a supportive community, I can live with it. But dammit, Paganism isn't just witchcraft and tarot cards! It may be an easy face to present, especially as it already matches common images and preconceptions, but it isn't where my interest and my satisfaction lies.

Graah. I keep typing and revising this next part, I'm not quite sure what I actually want to post or the best way to do so. Clearly, more elaboration will be necessary later.

I'm hunting for...something more immediate and direct. I think of myself essentially as well-educated newbie...sure, I -know- a lot, in theory? In practice, what have I done, experienced, or know I can do? Not quite as much. (I'm probably selling myself at least a little short, though.) I'm pretty darn sure I'm not naturally 'weird' in any way (god-bothered, known X about myself from a young age, imaginary friends that turn out to be guides or wights, etc, etc, etc), so to get what I want into my life, I'm going to have to surf the internet a bit less, get some better sleep patterns, and actively work for it.


Hm. I seem to have run out of Rambling and Rumination time, so I'll have to come back later and talk more about what I actually want out of my life and my spiritual practice more later. I've got to go do some proper work here in the library. On the clock and all. (It's just so slow on Sundays!)

Ciao.

Comments

[moonvoice.livejournal.com]

but since I think of our primary function is to provide a gateway experience and a supportive community, I can live with it.

This can be really hard about university groups, but what you will bring to it, is an awareness that will start to open people's eyes to what else is out there. What you bring to the table is something they've clearly never had before, and that's a gift that they will assimilate if they're good people. :)

[zuki-san.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Noone was really aware or knew much about reconstructionism before I'd joined, and I know the interest in working with animal guides and totems is something I share with one of the newbies we've gotten to join.

Or there was that time that I explained what Asatru was...and then promptly ended up explaining that it's not all racism and neo-nazis. "That's like assuming that all people who like anime are hentai tentacle freaks, or that every Wiccan is an ultra-new age fluffy bunny with a head so open her brains are falling out," was part of the analogy I believe I used.

[paka.livejournal.com]

I think because paganism is such a reversal of traditional religious practice - you study and interpret and G-d remains quite silent, or someone else is talking to G-d for you - there's a lot of unspoken intent within the community that everyone must be doing amazing magical things and I think it is easy to parse this as actual pressure at some level. Hard to be someone who doesn't have amazingly involved magical workings or relationships with gods, spirits and ancestors, but just knows information or plays drums at events or whatever. It doesn't mean it's a less honorable path, just hard to maintain a sense of self when one isn't a mystic.

[zuki-san.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't see any lack of honor and worth--not everyone can have Loki yammering in their head, and the human race as a whole is probably better off if only a smaller percentage of people do.

I also have a general dissatisfaction with my level of personal experience and participation as compared to my level of knowledge and lurking. Admittedly, I've only recently started really trying to change that in the last year now that I've moved to a new area with a denser population and correspondingly larger number of Interesting People, so, realistically, change should take a while.

I might be very impulsive in some ways, but in others I hang back and test the waters for a long long time. All that lurking has yielded a great deal of information about how to mess up and do things wrong, so it makes one cautious in proceeding. I've near-completely skipped the introductory stage of jumping right into Wicca as a result of this sort of thing and don't really have any intention of doing so.

The problem is, if I'm so determined not to borrow anyone else's path (because I'm fairly certain it isn't right for me or doing so would but culturally appropriative or whatever), then I have to be forging my own. And that's often a bit slower going.

[nicanthiel.livejournal.com]

not everyone can have Loki yammering in their head, and the human race as a whole is probably better off if only a smaller percentage of people do.

^This.

[die-uberfrau.livejournal.com]

Sorry I'm a little late commenting on this.

Anyway:

I'm pretty darn sure I'm not naturally 'weird' in any way (god-bothered, known X about myself from a young age, imaginary friends that turn out to be guides or wights, etc, etc, etc)

This is OK. I think not being "weird" is underrated. Speaking from experience. LOLOLOL.

If you have questions about stuff, I am willing to answer. I don't think newness or needing more information is a sign of stupidity, if anything, it's a sign of strength to be able to ask, even if something needs to be explained over again. Srsly. I remember when I was starting out 13 years ago (Hel, I remember 10 years ago when I wore a pentacle the size of my head and would lecture people about "The Burning Times", holy crap). A lot of people forget that we all started somewhere, even those of us who are "naturally weird".

You make me feel, you make me feeeeel like a natural weirdo. Weirdo... Sorry. ;P